Date: Mon, 15 Aug 1994 07:21:34 +0000
From:
wlt@mercurio.uc.pt (Wagner Luiz Truppel)
Subject: A joke that Mac & ST:TNG fans will love
A friend of mine sent me this little piece. Enjoy.
>"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
>.
><Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
>attempts at finding a weakness with the Borg? And Mr. Data,
>have you been able to access their command pathways?"
>.
><Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
>searching through our archives on late twentieth-century
>computing technology."
>.
><Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
>screen.>
>.
><Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
>.
><Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send
>this program, for some reason called 'Windows,' through
>the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root com-
>mand unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
>unstoppable rate."
>.
><Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't
>they alter their processing systems to increase their storage
>capacity?"
>.
><Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it
>will create a new version of itself called an 'upgrade.' The
>use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration.
>The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough.
>Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over
>and none will be available for their normal operational
>functions."
>.
><Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that
>'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
>.
><. . . 15 minutes later . . .>
>.
><Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the
>'Windows' in the command unit and, as expected, it
>immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We, however,
>have not received any confirmation of the expected
>'upgrade.'"
>.
><Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg
>storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no
>indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
>.
><Picard> "Data, scan the history books again and determine
>if there is something we have missed."
>.
><Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
>'upgrade.' Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part
>of the plan by not sending in their 'registration cards.'"
>.
><Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting
>permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
>.
><Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain, I just detected that their
>CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"
>.
><Picard> "Data, what do your scanners show?"
>.
><Data> "Apparently the Borg have found the internal
>'Windows' module named 'solitaire' and it has used up all
>the CPU capacity."
>.
><Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can
>reduce their functionality."
>.
><. . . Two hours pass . . .>
>.
><Riker> "Geordi, what's the status of the Borg?"
>.
><Geordi> "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-
>engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage
>demands, but each time they successfully increase resources
>I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to
>transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called
>the 'Microsoft fun-pack.'"
>.
><Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"
>.
><Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an
>interest time span of 6 more hours."
>.
><Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
>.
><Picard> "Identify."
>.
><Data> "It appears to have markings similar to the
>'Microsoft' logo."
>.
><Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES
>OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE
>HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UN-
>REGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
>SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
>TROUBLE. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS."
>.
><Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches
>and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
>.
><Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."
>.
><Riker> "Good God Captain! Those are humans floating
>straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits!
>How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
>.
><Data> "I do not believe that those are humans sir; if you will
>look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying
>something recognized in the twenty-first century as doe-skin
>leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."
>.
><Riker and Picard together horrified> "Lawyers!!"
>.
><Geordi> "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and
>sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the great awaken-
>ing."
>.
><Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived."
>.
><Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are
>covering it with all types of papers."
>.
><Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red
>tape.' It often proves fatal.
>.
><Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
>.
><Picard> "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch. Not
>even the Borg deserve that."
