Question & Answer Answered On
Q: You can cancel the over the top bids using
http://offer.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?CancelBidShow Good Luck Selling the watch 25-Jul-11
A: Kind of you.. my local eBay Community officer. Thank you.
Q: Just to satisfy my curiosity do you whittle? 25-Jul-11
A: HHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA!
Q: I do seriously think you should copy all of your witty listing of the things your selling. Along with the Questions and answers and send these off to a book publishing company! It reminds me of a book from a guy who wrote loads of crazy letters to companies. He got replies back but the communication was so funny! Reminds me of this! How annoyed would your x be you not only sold all her stuff but got a book deal!! Plus think of the benefits for judy... you could buy her one fo those robot legs! 25-Jul-11
A: This is a great idea. I could write about all my recent stupid girlfriends. I will check with a few of them but I suspect they are all busy on "Harry Potter and the Vomit of Ethos"
Q: Hey, after reading about this on facebook I feel strangely compelled to ask you about Mr Grey, is he aware that candida infections can be contracted orally? It may be worth finding out so that you can point and laugh.. 25-Jul-11
A: It's funny you say that, as last time I spoke to him I did notice more side of mouth speech sputum than normal.
Q: I am also nigerian prince and be wondering, if you sir had managed to look into shed yet for ammunitions ? I have very high demand. The kids round here fire gun very 'willy nilly' as you say in england. The watch you can keep, it actually makes me feel very sick looking at. 25-Jul-11
A: Hi Nigerian again - Sure if you wouldn't mind just sending the money first via Western Union I will be sure to send it on along with my three digit credit card security number, you can get the rest of the numbers from the keystroke virus you installed on my Windows machine.
Q: Did you know that Swindon Town are the only league football team in Britain to have none of the letters from the word "Mackerel" in its name.......? 25-Jul-11
A: Swindon has a football team AND electricity?
Q: will you keep us all informed if the winner of this auction actually pays for the item. i love the description by the way 25-Jul-11
A: I am sure you can find my user name on that sentence site where you do sentences. I can do sentences that keep you updated.
Q: OMG.. You have an amazing sense of humour ! Your description of the watch has made you a household name on FB
Hence the reason i found you. Your personality has made you a household name & although the reason for selling the watch is rather a sad one (you must of thought a lot of her ) just remember when one door closes another door opens
Good luck for the future although i doubt you will need it.. Beauty only gets attention personality captures the heart.. P.S Just out of curiosity what star sign are you ? x 25-Jul-11
A: Does the door that opens contain a size 8 shy stripper called Candy who doesn't do full nude?
Q: my friend wants to know...if you come free with the watch xx 25-Jul-11
A: I do but I must be fair and let her know I like lathes. Is she familiar with lathesintights.com?
Q: Hi Boogie, whilst I understand your anguish, please be assured not all big footed females are the same. I do have size nine feet. It is a pain, but short of having my toes amputated, there is nothing I can do about it. (Where did she manage to find 12 pairs of size 9 shoes, please?) However I don't have any moles on my face, I am faithful to my husband and bought him a very nice Tag Heuer watch, in stainless steel. And have managed to keep my cat in one piece. Have you thought about starting a blog? If you were to post a link on here, you would very quickly have a huge following, and you might even find a new girlfriend, one who would be faithful to you. Good luck. 25-Jul-11
A: My ex was given some special shoes from the hospital but then we were delighted to discover the support from the RSBFF. The Royal Society of Big Footed Females. They were kind enough with donations to supply 12 pairs of shoes and offer her a chalk casting of her feet on the hills of Wiltshire.
Q: May I suggest you take some time to chill out and burn some Incense and put on a Virtual Calm Sky, Sea & Forest Relax DVD? It may help with the healing process 25-Jul-11
A: Clever. But I think its the fake bidders who will need calming when they loose their accounts.
Q: DAM £999,999.00!!!! Dose it have a built in parachute? 25-Jul-11
A: No but it does come with a copy of all the press releases reporting eBay bans, fines and prosecution for shill bidding, fake bidding, spoiler bids and many other snotty sniggering teenager transgressions.
Q: Hello, I am an American. As you well know, what we call "football" is an entirely different sport in our country, not to be confused with "soccer". I could never wear this as a "footballer" here. As such, I am wary of buying a fine watch from a Briton given that your integrity comes into question; have we dissimilar concepts of "quality timepiece" and "embarrasing romantic impropriety" as well? Perhaps what you refer to as a "mole" is more properly called "conjoined twin myslexia"? Please acknowledge the superiority of the former Colonies and eloborate upon your shortcomings. 23-Jul-11
A: Hello American. I could swap it for your four bedroom house if you have some cash to put in.
Q: Hi Boogie - I have a friend who's not interested in your item but your wonderful witty mind - so if you post yourself to Bournemouth the deal could be on! Perhaps you should have a bidding for a date with yourself - she's rather a catch herself, attractive professional, nice car, full set of teeth and two legs (not size nine feet) but she's a tad shy - would you be interested? I can send you her blog details so you can get a taste of her equally witty mind. 23-Jul-11
A: Is she cute or a cross dresser?
Q: yeah i found u on fb, u have made my day thanku! iv just split with my boyfriend after finding out through his laptop hed been cheating, i should have sold it and the rest of his sht, we dnt have a cat just a terantula to fight for custody over lol i hope things sought themselvs out, time is a healer and karmas a bitch!
23-Jul-11
A: Thank you for your eloquent and considered email support. It always upsets me to see how a man's behavior can drive a woman to loose site of her own shift key.
Q: Hi , is the watch battery operated or one of those self winding ones charged up by arm movement, if its the latter I would give it to Steve , he sounds a right w**ker so at least you would know the watch would always remain fully charged 23-Jul-11
A: Very true.
Q: I have a thing for footballers. Have you considered keeping the watch. Taking up the sport and switching teams? I'm convinced you'd have more luck in love gay. xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx 23-Jul-11
A: It's funny you should say that the thought did cross my mind as I hear that gay men actually like male genitals where as my ex girlfriend treated it rather like something vulgar she found in the bin.
Q: I love this watch, it would really suit my backgarden football playing boyfriend. I wanted to ask how many holes on the watch strap as he has rather spindly feminine wrists and most of the watches I have bought him from Argos don't fit and I keep on finding them in drawers. 23-Jul-11
A: Oh no, you poor thing having to rattle around in bed with that poor skeleton man. Yes it would fit him but maybe you might like to buy him a little Goal for the garden. Or perhaps a meal?
Q: Hi Boogie, I trust your judgement and, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it ? 22-Jul-11
A: Scratches chin, it really depends on if it is an Armstrong outboard motor bracket, I have found those tend to be the most resilient. Normally most useless cracks need be replaced, filling one almost always leads to additional expenditure later.
Q: Hi there boogie!! My mate just emailed me the link to your listing and I just had to message you my thanks! I have been feeling pretty crap today (no job, skint, blah blah..)and your writings (including the Q & A's) had me roaring laughing! If you're really out of work, you should most definately consider some form of comedic writing online/internet marketing/website referrals etc. for a living, as you have a great gift for it - I reckon you would rake it in!! All the best Stacy 22-Jul-11
A: Well thanks, I am sure that Top Gear, FHM, Men's Health, Maxim, The Sun, The Times or Anglers Weekly will beat a path to my door should they feel that they are lacking a dark cynical wordsmith who can actually spell Lathe to swoop among them.
Q: Just an honest question about this watch as worn by offensively rich footballers. When you wore it did you have urges to throw yourself on the floor and scream 'foul' at all? And did you find yourself attracted to hugging lots of sweaty men? Your comments about your ex I consider to be 'wartist'. You can get treatment for this - but why bother. 22-Jul-11
A: That is almost synchronicity - You know I did. I found myself feeling odd wearing the watch. I was compelled to spit in a very manly fashion and shout "man on" a lot. My friends thought this was normal, until I was compelled to purchase a Bentley GT and create a creative and brilliant nickname from a private number plate, you know like when you take the numbers and letters and make a word out of them.
Q: although you ended up with the hairdressers watch, i think steve should sell his quality watch and buy a better car with the proceeds, after dumping size uk-9 moley chops that is.... i presumed you both went on a date first, i understand that people dont check the size of each others feet on a date but if she is in proportion with the rest of her body she must have hands like jeff capes and an batty like rusty lee, well done for getting rid of her, although, by the sounds of it she wont be too bothered, she wasnt thinking of you when your ex boss was eating her. Good luck fella, im sure you will one day meet the woman of your dreams, mole free, normal feet an all tha caper ;-) 22-Jul-11
A: Women NEVER show you their real feet on dates, everyone knows you have to do at least 3 dinners, 2 gifts, send her a poem, walk over hot coals, eat nails, join Cirque as human fire ball, play for a local small football club and appear in JLS before even thinking about going there.
Q: Hello there, I know this is a really random question but is this a real sale. I LOVE the description of it by the way
Thanks, Laura 22-Jul-11
A: Yes it is.
Q: I am Nigerian Prince hope for inherit USD45m, but need watch. Are you consider sending watch on approval? This is big opportunity - just need watch. 22-Jul-11
A: Oh Hello Nigerian. Sure where would you like me to send the watch, if you are short of food or any other resources such as live ammunition I might see if I have any in the shed for you.
Q: This watch will go down a storm..... when the cat got sucked into the lathe, I assume you were quick enough to turn on the coolant to stop any heat build up and damage those expensive tungsten tipped tools. have youe ever though about knuling a pidgeon on that thing you'd have to drop the speed to a low gear for this operation? 22-Jul-11
A: No that did not occur to me. Thank you.
Q: Could you get in touch with her just one more time and ask her if I can purchase the hairy eye wart so as to make a paper weight for my desk. Im willing to buy instead of Bid. 22-Jul-11
A: I will ask her but I know she is using some skin care products which are GAURANTEED to remove reduce or change the blemish after only 40 Bottles at £39.80 each used precisely at 0331hrs GMT for a period of no less than 1000 days.
Q: are you aware that your ad is now all over twitter and facebook? could you, perhaps, turn it into a play for radio 4? good luck with your sale and with finding a new, unblemished, girlfriend. 22-Jul-11
A: A play on Radio 4 - Let me think of a title - "What the F is that on your face" - starring Ronnie Corbet
Q: I will be moving to Essex soon as part of a "promotion" with my work. If I wear this watch will it make me more attractive to the lovely ladies of Essex? 22-Jul-11
A: Genius indeed it will, well spotted. Perhaps if you like you could also add a generous serving of St Tropez cream to your arm, this will create a better contrast, illustrating the white more prominently whilst drawing attention to your beautiful hard earned iron forearm flexor muscles. The combination of the white sports watch and brown muscular arm form is sure to establish both your sportiness and subsequent attractiveness to all females.
Q: Can you confirm that i won't catch thrush from any part of that watch if i was to purchase it? 22-Jul-11
A: I can confirm the watch has been only on my thrush-less wrist twice. Besides those bullet shaped hero's are for a myriad of pelvic support defects. Including stress urinary incontinence. ( well I wasn't going to say anything )
Q: Why did you go out with an ugly girl? 22-Jul-11
A: She was not ugly with the patch I bought her.
Q: love the watch......... but what was you doing with a size 9 feet wearing sasquatch with a moley moley face!!!! sounds like you are better off out of it LOL. Hope you use the proceeds to buy the cat a fake tail and leg as she sounds like she wont let you down like the ex did!!!!
22-Jul-11
A: Well it wasn't until we she first wore her oh-so-attractive-female-enhancing-gladiator-sandals that I first noticed the gargantuan nature of her feet. When I was first presented with them in these ingenious shoes we were on holiday. Children were pointing, some cried, by that time it was too late.
Q: I am a grey Ford Focus and while I understand your pain may I respectfully ask that you do not deflect your hurt on to innocent vehicles. I can not choose who drives me. I may lack va va voom but I have feelings. Please do not tar us all with the same primer brush. 22-Jul-11
A: Thank you for your email Grey. I have to say I am saddened to have caused you so much discomfort. Added to the looks of disgust confusion and dismay you must already endure about your daily drives, I feel this was rather unfair of me. I also noted that you chose to keep your complaint neutral rather like your finish. Neutral. Neither here, nor there. Just Neutral so I appreciate that.
Q: I've searched through ebay and can't find and Laithe Cat screens for sale. Perhaps you should pursue this market as a new career now that you are in need of a job. I would suggest something in clear perspex with matching on button shield. 22-Jul-11
A: If only I had a Lathe cat screen, mine and many millions of other animals would not be hurt in such a horrific way. I'll call the Red Cross.
Q: Dude I don't live in Swindon but I feel I should leave the comfort of Wales to buy you a beer just as soon as I can because you have made my day. I'm sorry for your strife. Good luck finding new job, with the lack of skilled machinists these days I'm sure you shouldn't have too much trouble. 22-Jul-11
A: That is very kind of you thank you for your Welsh comfort. Will you be charging me a toll for that?
Q: I think you should give Steve a break, i've heard hairy, big footed slappers are very hard to resist? 22-Jul-11
A: Ha. You are quite right. It is never the mans fault in these cases. Women have special venom pheromones that blind their prey from rational thought rather like a spider.
Q: Hi, because the watch does not have a box can you put it in with the pessaries and send those as well? 22-Jul-11
A: I can arrange that yes. Good Question. This would be particularly cunning for Customs and Excise as I am not sure there is import tax for "soothing genital medication".
Q: Hi ... the watch sounds great, one question, were you wearing it when you punched Steve? How much for postage to Australia? We cant have you and Judy starving. 22-Jul-11
A: If it goes to Australia it might not work, because in Australia time goes backwards, things are upside down and there are Dingos that steal babies, and watches on every street corner. But I would assume £10 which is approximately 81,000 of your Australian Dollars.
Q: You are probably the best person around. Never read anything remotely funny on ebay before. Don't ever change and I'm SURE you will do much better than whats-her-face. The watch is kinda ugly ps...as a woman I would advise you to never wear anything completely white - horrible. You rock! xo -Bonnie 22-Jul-11
A: Thanks Bonnie. It's ok I will join Bachelorplace or Adultfreakfinder or something I will be fine, cause apparently they have tons of real girls in my town waiting for me, tonight, in my town, tonight, for me - tonight in my town. PS - Its not that UGLY - white watches are actually in for men. I saw a football player wearing one.
Q: Hey, Whats your Ex's name and number?? ;P 22-Jul-11
A: Her name is "Lumpy faced prostitute" and you will find her telephone number now duly posted in every phone box in W1.
Q: I like the look of the watch but I'm worried your skanky wart face mole ex may have hexed this watch. To your knowledge is she a practicing evil witch or was she a witch in a past life?? 22-Jul-11
A: Interesting view point. I did note that sometimes she would sit in a dark room looking at the watch rocking back and forth but I thought this was normal for someone with mental disturbance.
Q: Let's face it, I have to hand it to you for answering these questions time and time again. This is the second time I've told you to stop you continue to tick me off by going in to minute detail. I'm sorry, I'm only winding you up. Note: This post may contain time related puns. Some of which are the worst puns of all time. 22-Jul-11
A: Yes but you forgot to watch the item.
Q: Sorry about your girlfriend dude.. I hope you find a new/better one. Don't take her back or else the problems will be worse! 22-Jul-11
A: It is funny you say that. Mine was trained at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. She has mastered the: "What do you mean who am I talking to on Skype at 3am, its my friend Julie, don't be so paranoid, god men are so paranoid, I will leave you if you are paranoid, you are so possessive, I hate possessive men who don't approve of me flirting with everyone but saying I am not"
Q: Is there a matching white suit to go with this? If so, how much for the whole package. Also, you girlfriend came home late last night, was she with you by chance? Just trying to get my facts straight... Also will you ship to Thailand? 22-Jul-11
A: Oh no. I don't think she wants to go back from Thailand - she promised to love me long time should I agree to pay for everything.
Q: Evening! I just happened across this auction, from a little (big) site known as Reddit:
http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/iw0d2/best_ebay_product_description_ever/ I'm afraid I agree with you about the style so I shan't be bidding, but I can buy you a damn beer coz I see you're in Swindon... as am I! Promise I'm nothing to do with this Steve bloke though...as a rule I avoid Focus drivers. Good luck with the auction mate. 22-Jul-11
A: Yes there is something distinctly ordinary about a Focus in grey. It is neither Silver nor white, it is just grey. "Hi, do you like my car?" "Yes what colour is it?" "It's primer" "Brilliant cleaning that must be a joy"
Q: I'm very sorry about your cat. Hug her for me. 22-Jul-11
A: Ah, that's a shame but she is cat who is trained in Krav Maga. Sadly the postman lost an eye from hugging her once.
Q: Sorry about your girl and your boss. I will bid for this watch then burn it and bury the remains on a sunny beach in california. I hope your cat will enjoy some food. 22-Jul-11
A: Interesting idea. Is this beach patrolled often by police, as I rather have another item I was planning to bury there.
Q: How exactly does a cat get into a lathe accident? Oh, and nice watch... 22-Jul-11
A: Well as it happens I enjoy some social woodturning, metalworking, metalspinning and glassworking, it helps me relax. There is nothing quite like milling, grinding and fashioning a peice of metal from one shape, to a slightly different one. The transformation is quite rewarding. One day. I was shaping a piece of scrap metal from the tip into a beautiful swan on my new lathe. My cat had not seen the lathe before and whilst I was on a break she began to rub herself on the machine. I watched as I found this was quite endearing, but she accidentally switched it on with her paw.
Q: I felt like you should know that. Steve sounds like an asshole. 22-Jul-11
A: Thank you. I tore him a new one.
Q: hi great story can you add pics of both steve and ugly ex girlfriend thanks that would help in making a purchase 22-Jul-11
A: Steve is rather sadly bludgeoned quite badly and as a result images of him - are about to be uploaded, images of my fat thigh Evans clothes wearing big tall Sally however are likely to disturb small children and dogs.
Q: Hi there, are you boogie or cookie
22-Jul-11
A: Well actually I am boogie its a pet name. Cookie was the pet name for my ex girlfriend. I am called Boogie as I like to dance, she is called Cookie as the she has a cookie sized giant freckle on her right bosom.
Q: Are there any pictures of the original purchaser available? Purely for research purposes you understand. 22-Jul-11
A: Yes as a matter of fact there are - we once did some close up shots of her EYE MOUND for Dr Pakindoedoe - He wanted them to show his medical dermatological students how incredibly ugly it can be to be afflicted in this way he then passed them to be displayed in section 3C of the Natural History Museum in London, next to the lava beetles.
Q: Is the laithe for sale? 22-Jul-11
A: Hahahhahahahahahah
Q: The watch seems to have an honest face, however the original purchaser seems to be two faced - can you guarantee that he watch isn't lying when it tells the time. Oh sorry to hear about your job. And the cat. 22-Jul-11
A: As the watch is male, I can confirm that it is not a lying female watch that will end up in your bed with someone else the moment you take it off your wrist.
